I Am A Student

By Katerina Bonderud, TIWP Student

I am a student. It seems like school is what makes up my life. And sadly, it really does. I like to think people are doing what their heart desires, and that on weekends they deep dive into their crazy endeavors. But for me, most of the time, I’m doing homework… while life passes me by.

The sun rises. The sun hangs in the sky for a while. But then before I know it, the moon is keeping me company again.

I feel like I’m wasting my life sometimes. That I’m wasting my body, my mind, my ideas…

Because the only time I really use my mind and body and ideas is when I’m at school, or doing work for school…

Most of the time nowadays, I don’t even really like school.

I remember that I used to…

But that was when teachers taught because they wanted to lift up their students.

Now though… I can’t really tell if they love teaching, or if they just love testing, and tailoring their lessons to the elite. I don’t really feel like an elite most of the time.

I get up, make my bed, wash my hair and make myself presentable to my peers and crush, show up (do I really though? I’d like to think I do, but most of the time I feel like I’m slacking), so I don’t go home. Instead, I get on the bus, get on Bart, and transport myself to a coffee shop, to keep me awake. Then I proceed to study and do the endless supply of homework all of my teachers assigned me.

Sometimes I feel like they ask too much of me.

Sometimes I tell them I need help and I need more time.

I never take the extra time I asked for or the help I really needed.

I just…  make do.

And sometimes that make up I do isn’t enough, I hear my inner thoughts scream. But I ignore them.

No, I’m doing fine.

No, Katie, you didn’t rehearse your speech enough, you need to practice more you are going to forget all your lines.

I’ve practiced it for an hour today. I and only needed to check my lines once. AND IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS TIRED.

Well, it’s not good enough.

It’s not?

No. You’re too this, too that, not enough this. You will do terribly and you will regret that you went to sleep ten minutes earlier because you just want to sleep. Well, buckle up buttercup because successful people don’t get sleep. The people at your school don’t get sleep and they are doing better than you–

Not true! 

Yes, true. You got an 89% on that last test. That wasn’t an “A” Katie. You aren’t going to the straight A’s that you want with this type of slacking.

I don’t slack.

Oh but you–

Silence.

School finds cracks in my foundation.

It knows how to make my crumble and fall.

But it’s okay.

No I mean it, it’s okay.

Really though, it’s fine.

Because… I don’t… I don’t let it.

I don’t let it.

My grades don’t define me.

I can take a moment to breathe.

I can sleep.

Because I am smart … and I am strong… and I am me.

And that’s all I’ll ever need to be.

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