Thoughts from a 53 year old woman, TIWP Women’s Writing Program

I want to figure out my “next” purpose.
I want to contribute something.
I want to make sure my girls are OK.
I want to learn.
I want to travel.
I want to have fun with my husband.
I want our relationship to be strong and close.
I want our lives together to have purpose.
I want a lot of time with my mom.
I want our girls to want to be with us.
I want to stop agonizing about a job.
I want to find work that is fun and meaningful and not stressful.
I want to speak different languages.
I want to live in different countries but also have a home.
I want not to worry about aging.
I want to appreciate what I have.

I want to leave something lasting. Is that a legacy of love and friendship and good children in the world? Is it being known for something? Is it writing – books and words on paper can last forever. Is it art? Does it need to be tangible? Is it helping someone with what they need? Do little things count or do you have to do a big thing? I think of my dad’s memorial and how many people he touched in work and in fun and the love he gave to his family. That’s enough for me. But he made a big splash wherever he went – work, outdoor adventures, flying airplanes, preserving the environment. He lived a big life but what mattered to him was treating people well. This led to so many people loving and respecting him.

This new “phase” of life is interesting. I’m used to being essential in my kids’ lives. Am I essential anymore? You start with 100% essential and when your kids move out your essential percentage goes to what…20%? A slow phasing out of essentiality…

I want these next 20 years to count, too.
I want not to feel stuck, unable to set a path, unsure of these next years.
I guess I’m lucky to have the luxury of wondering and exploring.
I want to make the most of that.