Uncontrollable Bliss

By Ellen Jurgens, TIWP Student

“The mind I love most must have wild places…and paths threaded with flowers of thought.” — Katherine Mansfield

I wish for a mess. A pile of dirty clothes on the ground. A tower of unwashed dishes in the sink. A desk drawer scattered with a rainbow of colored pencils.

These things are at rest. They are just there, merely existing in their present condition. They are at the mercy of their environment. They are stuck where they are so they don’t have to choose between denying their condition and living in constant turmoil, or accepting it in order to become content. And they choose to be content. They accept their disordered nature as a condition of peace.

It takes work to remain in order, to maintain structure. But messes are different. They are like dead leaves falling from a tree and landing in a steam. The leaves are engulfed by their new environment and must accept their condition as they move downstream. Now this condition is not for eternity and it will likely change. An obstruction in the stream could halt the drifting leaves. They may be forced to adopt a new state of motionless. Each moment is just an expression of our current conditions.

I want to live as a product of the conditions in my environment, to welcome disorder and release control, to be content in each moment with no thought of the future.

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