By Ashley Larson, TIWP Student
A 9 year old girl was sat down by her grandmother on the blue satin couch as she slumped over in the pink shirt and looked up with curiosity. Grandma told her that everyone gets into habits and those habits happen at ages you cannot control. Those are the ages you become forever, while you have that habit. And when you come out of your habit, you are the same age as when you started your habit. She said if you start smoking at 18 and stop when you’re 60, you’re 18 throughout those years and you begin to lose sight of who you are because you live in a deluded society of 18…18…18.
Maybe you’re not 18, but you surely are someone stuck in the teenage years. I don’t know what you have, whether it’s a fetish or just a mental problem that you’ve repressed but you have a problem with claiming ownership of things that aren’t yours, that were never yours, and will never be yours. You form an attachment, except the other person does not form one in return—so you take out your Gorilla Glue and glue them to you while they’re asleep so that, when they wake up, they’ll never know what you did until you show them that you did, until you tell them that you did, until you hurt them so you did. You’re 25 but you’re 16 because of your habits—yet you think you’re 34 but I think you’re 12 while others treat you like you’re 57. These numbers add up to 144 and the square root is 12 and divided by 2 its 72 but you’re 25. Just 25. Only 25. Forever 16.
Maybe you’re not 18, but you surely are someone stuck in your 20’s. You’re a protector and take things to the next level of protection, but you aren’t protecting me, you’re protecting yourselves and your own lives even though you live in the state of mind in which you think you’re protecting me. You think you know how to talk to me, you think you know me, but how can you know someone and all of their illnesses without actually knowing them? How can you walk around saying you know me when you know me as someone defined by their illnesses? You hear the words depression and anxiety and you immediately think of me, showing that you are stuck in this loop of never-ending-ness because you think I am depression, that I am anxiety, when instead I am a strong woman who is overcoming more than you can fathom. You’re 51 but you’re 29 because of habits—yet you think you’re 68 because of your so called “wisdom.” But I think you’re 21 while others treat you like you’re 45. These numbers add up to 214 and the square root is almost 15 and divided by 2 its 107 but you’re 51. Just 51. Only 51. Forever 29.
Maybe you’re not 18, but you surely are someone stuck in the past. You can’t communicate and you don’t know what it’s like to listen and understand but you think you do. You think you know what it’s like to be me and you think it’s easy to understand someone like me when actually you have no clue in the slightest. I’m not saying everything you say is wrong… but it isn’t right. Nothing these days is ever right. You use me as a trophy but instead of holding me up to say you won, you hold me down to show your power and dominance because I am so weak. Yet you tell me I’m strong and that you understand. You don’t understand. No one understands what’s it’s like to be me because no one is a woman like me. You think you get it, you always thought you did but you can’t understand someone that is stone and ice because there’s no way of getting in, there’s no way of knowing what’s inside a stone unless you break them and that’s what you did honey, that’s exactly what happened. You’re 16 but you’re 13 because of your damn habits yet you think you’re 20 but I think you’re 7 while others treat you like you’re 18. These numbers add up to 74 and the square root is about 9 and divided by 2 its 37 but you’re 16. Just 16. Only 16. Forever 13.
Maybe I’m not 18, but I know what I’m doing. I’m a strong woman that knows what she’s doing and knows how to handle herself more than any of you know what to do about me or for me. You think you all know what’s best for me but trust me that’s not the case. I’m 16 and forever growing because I know how to grow. I know how to see through your bullshit. The universe still spins, our problems are irrelevant and if we die then Jupiter has no idea and Saturn’s rings keep moving and the earth keeps spinning and the sun still is glaring and my grandma is still telling me that habits control your age, still telling me to not let habits get to me in ways that they got to you.