By Nick Brevik, TIWP Student

I once witnessed a boy in love get down on his knees and apologize over and over again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. The words spilling out of his mouth as if they were the only things he knew how to say. I still think about that day. How his partner squirmed in her seat, begged him to rise, to not do this. Not in front of everyone. I wondered what it was like to be in her shoes. To have someone’s love strangle you slowly. Have their apologies shoved down your throat, empty promises waiting to be fulfilled. I hated that boy. Hated how he used her for himself, how he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. His misguided attempt at love. It didn’t work. It did the opposite in fact. I hated him. I still hate him.

Hate is a strong word to use. That’s what I grew up hearing. I try not to hate many. Yet I’ve learned over the years that some deserve to be hated. When my rage bubbles over, when I want to scream or slap him across the face (Though I would never resort to violence). When I just laugh because of how ridiculous it all is. Emotions can be a tricky thing to manage, fear, anger, sorrow, joy, they all want control in some aspects of my life. So I weather them, pushing through the emotion into logic. The eye of the storm if you will. But I am rambling and not here to talk about my emotions. I want to discuss apologies. These can be tied to emotions. Apologizing after your friend loses a loved one. Or a particularly bad break-up. Apologies for their sorrows, even if all I can feel is relief that I’ll never have to see his stupid face again. That cruel motherf– I’m rambling again. Let me get back on track. Women were and still are taught that they should be sorry for their existence, that if they breathe too much air they must apologize for it. After all women pale in comparison to men, Eve was made out of a rib of Adam, they are just inferior. Ridiculous I know, but it’s so normalized that we don’t even think to critique it. 

I used to be a very outgoing kid. I loved to tell people stories that started with the date and time it happened and jumped around periodically to give context about what was going on. I still do this on occasion, though only with my family. Many people didn’t like it when I talked like this, and I’d end up apologizing for “wasting their time”. I stopped telling people about myself, my hobbies, my life. I stopped talking. I took a different approach to not saying sorry all the time. Though not a healthy approach, I thought it best. Silence is better I told myself.

To get back fully on topic, let’s shift away from me. Apologies are often used as filler phrases, put into a sentence when even the slightest thing goes wrong. Thinking back, has it ever occurred that you’ve probably apologized for losing your train of thought? Why? You did nothing wrong after all. It feels more like an instinct to say sorry rather than a genuine apology. Even when we haven’t wronged anyone. This in and of itself isn’t the problem. The problem occurs when you start overly apologizing without a change in behavior. If you slap someone and apologize, promising never to do it again, and then slap them the next day, your apology loses all meaning. Actions make an apology real. To be sorry is to change. This is why so many people fail at relationships and friendships. They assume that their words are what make the apology count, not what happens after.