By Zara Quiter, TIWP Student

I’m sorry.

Yes, I agree. It is my fault that I didn’t feel like trying today. That I woke up and wore a mirror image of yesterday’s outfit. That I spent no time fixing my hair. Or trying to smile. Or trying to coexist. And it’s also my bad for being short and small. And having frizzy hair. I mean, I like to feel good about how I look, so OF COURSE you should like it, too. 

Please, do call me out. Do make sure that I know very well how I messed up today, how my mere actions of not caring that much are so problematic you feel the need to tell me. Sure, that will totally make me want to wake up ten minutes earlier tomorrow and try.

Would you like me to do the same for you?

Thank you.

“And, oh my gosh, your outfit is so cute, too!”

Yes, I agree. We should let our appearance determine our worth. We should be too concerned about the clothes that we cover ourselves in to feel comfortable walking down the stairs towards a place of learning. We definitely should make assumptions and whatnot about others based on this. 

Naturally, we should flatter each other with meaningless compliments. We should obsess over the small things. This is middle school, this is our world that we’re shaping as we speak. I mean, we could just say what we actually feel, but then, that’d be crazy… right?

My bad, for not immediately responding with my own trivial observation about your clothes. 

Be quiet.

Yes, I agree. As much as we, as a people, value speaking, some of us value silence. Some of us don’t appreciate you screaming, or talking, or complaining. Speak your truth, but don’t just speak.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe in the midst of all this noise. All you can do is exhale little bits of yourself, until I am the person that everyone wants me to be. Perfect, but flawed. Interesting, but not special. Intelligent, but not smart. Brave, but not confident. Pretty, but not beautiful. 

Trust me, I try.

You are welcome.

Yes, I agree. It makes sense for me to sacrifice my own time and my own energy to do something for you. Even if I don’t want to. Even if I don’t have to. Even if you could do it just as easily as me, if you tried. Naturally, the responsibility falls to me.

You do it. Well, why can’t you. Why can’t you? Stop assuming that I try only because I care. Maybe I’m just nice. Maybe I can see value in learning. Yes, of course I care. I care about many things, things you probably don’t even grant a moment of your consciousness to dwell on. But, that’s all right. 

Keep checking your makeup in the mirror, honey.

I don’t know.

Yes, I agree. I should know what college I want to go to by yesterday. I should know where I want to eat lunch. I should know who I’m friends with, and with whom I’m not. I should know what’s right and left and wrong. 

Because normally, it’s left. Because maybe my purpose in life shifts every moment I see something in need of change. But when the raindrop keeps battering down on you, it’s hard to find a moment of solace to stay dry. 

I guess that’s why we have umbrellas.

Then again, I really am sorry.

Yes, I agree. I don’t even know why all I do is complain. Why am I not writing 571 words about how utterly grateful I am for all the things I am lucky to have? I could, you know. But if I tried that today, I can assure you it would be an extremely boring read. 

I’m assuming being bored is simpler. And being lonely is faster. And being sad is easier. But being mad, that’s easiest. And I’m assuming that being happy is challenging. Finding joy is like going on a hike, and it’s your destination. And, I’m also assuming that the real struggle is finding a way to enjoy the journey. 

I guess I’d better grab my hiking boots.

I remember I was six years old and I told my friend I could fly, and I think a part of me really believed it. Because I dreamed that by the time I was my age, I would be able to. And why did it matter if I messed with the timeline ever so slightly? If it was meant to happen, I could just describe the future. Because I didn’t understand the limitations of the world. And now here I am, grounded.