By Aya Riseman, TIWP Student

Squeak-squeak. Sneakers hit pavement as she crossed the busy street, ignoring the disgruntled drivers who had to pause their days for an extra five seconds and let her by. She paused before reaching school, wondering if she should turn back, go sit in the coffee shop and listen to music for a while. But last time “a while” had lasted all day, and her mom had called her at 3pm, wondering why she was absent from class. Nobody seemed to understand. If she was around people, she would be asked, why are you so quiet? Why don’t you talk more? At some point it had become unacceptable to like being alone. She either had to become louder or become invisible. She kept walking. 

Stepping foot onto campus, she was immediately greeted with a thousand sounds from all directions. A group of girls laughing by the stairs. Carts full of books being wheeled up ramps. Birds squawking from the roof. She spotted some people she knew. Dreading talking to them, she took heavy steps over to the group. Better to blend in than to stand out. 

They mostly ignored her, continuing their conversation about the Spanish test tomorrow. Do you know what we have to learn? She knew, but shook her head no.

In math, they did quadratic equations. It felt hard to breathe the whole class, but it was better than hanging out with self-absorbed friends who didn’t really know her.

The rest of the day went by in a blur, and eventually, she was walking out to her mom’s car, fighting the crisp autumn wind. 

How was your day? Her mom asked. She said it was good, making up random stories as she put on her headphones and let the melodies overpower her. This was the time she valued the most, the time she could think, the time she could breathe, the time she didn’t have to worry about anything but her homework. She could get lost in the music, and in these moments, she knew the exact right thing to say. “I want to be alone.” And it wouldn’t be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings or ruin someone’s day. Just five simple words that she wished she could scream off of the rooftops of the tallest skyscrapers. Just five simple words that would solve all her problems. Just five simple words that would prove to everyone else that she didn’t have to become louder or become invisible – she could just become herself, and that would be enough.