By Audrey Harris, TIWP Student

I guess I didn’t mean to. Didn’t mean to do it. But how could I really say that I did mean to? That would make me a bad person. But how much worse can I get? I’m in this situation so I must already be unfavorable compared to most. Unfavorable is actually just sugar coating it, I just killed someone for heaven’s sake. But I will continue to tell others that I didn’t mean to do it. It makes me feel better about myself. But what if I told everyone that I did mean to do it. That all of the rage from my past and present just was too much. That I had to grab that vase that cost thousands of dollars. That I had to shatter it against his skull and hear the echoes of his screams rattle my mind. That I am a murderer. That also feels right. They both feel right. Am I a murderer or not? I took his life, did I not? My husband. But when you see a cockroach and crush it with the soles of your 4-inch stilettos, do they call you a murderer? No, of course not. So then why am I called a murderer? He was nothing more than a cockroach. Insignificant and disgusting. He at first intimidated me. Made me feel weak compared to the size of his ego. But eventually I realized that I am much bigger than him. That I can crush him just like that cockroach. And it was that easy. To crush him, I mean. So easy that I could do it again in a heartbeat. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It would be worth it. So worth it. Just to hear him scream. Just to feel the thrill. So easy. That is how small he really is. No one will remember him but me. But he won’t be remembered in a kind way. No, each night I will imagine the murder like a woman obsessed. Imagine crushing him just like all of those times that he threatened to crush me. That he did crush me. Maybe this makes me crazy. Maybe insane. But, mark my words, when I pass onto the other side, I will not be where he is. I will not sink that deep to that dark place he deserves to be. No, I will fly. I will soar. Soar higher than he ever dreamed he could. And it will be delightful. To feel the wind on my face. I won’t have a thought to spare for him. No, my thoughts will be of myself. Only me. I deserve it. I deserve everything he said that he would give me. All of those broken promises. That Christmas Hallmark movie ending. I want back all of those wretched nights, when I wished for more. For something different. I want so much. I want love. I want hope. I want to dream, I want to live. But, at least I have one thing checked off of my list. I no longer want revenge. And it is now time for me to finally leap. Leap of the cliff. Leap and soar. Soar into the clouds. Be more than he ever was. Here I go. I will now fly away. Away from him. I am finally free, ready to soar.