By Audrey Lambert, TIWP Student

I want it to be quiet.
I want it to be so loud that I feel quiet.
I want to scream
‘til my voice sounds like
I smoke a pack a day.

I want to be loud.
I want to speak 
And not feel like I’m saying the wrong thing,
The “why the fuck did I say that” thing.

What I really want is to be quiet 
so I don’t have to think about what I’ve said after
I’ve said it. I want to not want to be quiet
anymore. I want to speak and think:
“Boy, aren’t I smart!”

I want to listen and not just hear. 
Just hear and drown
out whatever’s being 
said while scrambling 
for something to say next.

I want my brain to be quiet so I can really 
Listen. I want to
speak up, shut up,
suck it up, and
stop being so indecisive.
I want to be decisive.

I want to stop being such a paradox, 
such a hypocrite, 
such a 
contradiction.

I want to apologize.
I want to stop apologizing.
Whoops, sorry I’ve done it again. 
That contradictory thing.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I’m sorry. 

Maybe I’m not though.
I say it so much I don’t think 
it really means much 
anymore.
I promise to stop
apologizing and
apologizing for
continuing to apologize.

I’ve never been very good 
at keeping promises though.
I promise to keep this promise.
I promise not to apologize if I don’t.
I won’t.
I will.
Probably. 

I give a lot of probablies
And a lot of maybes.
Probably means “yes”
and maybe means “no,”
just so you know.

I promise to stop 
explaining myself,
but maybe I should
Back up a little bit.
I want to stop second-guessing myself.
I want to say no and mean no
or yes and mean yes
instead of probably
Or maybe
Or “lemme think about it”
‘cause when I say those things 
I really know my answer,
I just don’t want to seem rude.

That “overthinking what I say” thing.
I want to say what I mean.
Even if it’s rude.
Even if I seem like a bitch.
Maybe that’s it:
Maybe I am a bitch.
A bitch who hides behind
Her probablies
and her maybes.
Oh, right, sorry, no maybes.

I am a bitch.
No sorries.
I am a bitch and
I won’t apologize.
I want to be the 
little bitch in my head
who knows what she thinks
and says no sorries.

I like that bitch.
That bitch knows more than me.
She’s a good judge of character
and I always shush her 
and get my heart broken for it.
She’s always right
and she always says
“I told you so” 
‘Cause she’s a bitch.

Sorry for all the swearing
(I’m not really sorry)
I’ll shut up now
(no I won’t)
I promise to say what I mean
(yet another promise I will break)

Maybe I’ll be loud
(I will stay quiet)
I’ll listen more
(don’t expect me to be listening)
I’m a paradox,
I’m a contradiction,
and, in the immortal
words of Meredith Brooks:
“I’m a bitch
And I do not feel ashamed”
(yet another thing I probably don’t mean)

Sorry, I’ll be quiet
(I won’t)
(I’ll be loud)
(probably.)