By Sarah Inouye, Intuitive Writing Project student
So here’s the thing. Here is the thing about people: we want control, each and
everyone of us. It’s vital to us. Some people are as desperate for it as they are
for air. Some people can live their entire lives with very little and still be happy.
But you need some of it at one point or another. Well, she didn’t have control.
None. When the lack of something like that starts to become apparent, you will
become starving for it and terrible things happen.
She had always been trapped in the wastelands of her own mind. The girl had a
rounder frame. Plumper. She was “the fat girl” and people let her know. But she
never fought back. She shook it off. Her body was no one else’s concern. It didn’t
matter. Or at least it shouldn’t have mattered. But to someone like her, who had
to deal with all the crap others thought was funny… well it did matter. She kept
telling herself it didn’t but when you never fight back, when you never say what
you want to say… it finds a way out eventually.
The fat joke. She was so tired. It was said by some boy that should have been
irrelevant. But he wasn’t. He hurt her. She did not speak but she did get out a
pen and she took it to the seat in the back of the bus while no one was watching
and she wrote out the entire contents of her mind. And damn did it feel good, the
“fat” that was attached to her bones was shaved off with the “fat” that was living
malevolently in her mind was erased.
But someone saw. They saw what she had written. It was filthy. It was bad
enough for them to check tapes for who did it. It was filled with poison not only for
other people but for herself, words that middle schoolers should not know were
on the seat and written in the center of all the chaos, in bright red was the word:
FAT. The word that had made her that way. How you can turn a sweet girl who
has done nothing wrong in her life into a revengeful, malicious tyrant? You pull
her apart. You call her “fat” as if that’s the worst thing in the world. But worst of
all, you don’t let her fight back. Girls like her who are forced into silence are
always screaming the loudest.